The Plump Journal

Here's another story from not so long ago. When I was ten years younger, I thought to myself that at 28 I will be successful. Scratch that, I thought at 28 I have a career, I have settled down, marriage, kids and all the works. Well, it doesn't work that way.

At 28 I realized, I didn't mature enough, or maybe still not mature enough. It feels like I just added one more year to my age and the confusion of what is adulthood still running in my head. Was it having a good paying career that you enjoy? A few savings despite drinking your night out every Friday or your weekend out of town trips? A stable relationship? Everything is full of crap!

I don't know about you but for me and some people I know, there's no "good paying career that you enjoy", there's just a 'good paying career' and a 'career that you enjoy', and this are two separate things.

The industry I belong pays well but you really have to WORK to have that kind of salary. I do enjoy my job but there is something tiring about it that I cant point out. I am confused myself don't worry. I also tried something that I enjoy but bullshit, there's not enough money coming and Im losing too much.

I hope in the future I can have that "good paying career that I can enjoy" or at least say I am satisfied with my career and that I enjoy it.

And savings? I have a few penny on my bank account. You went out every Friday? You go to weekend trips? You dine out most of the time? You shop new clothes, shoes, a new lipstick? There is no way your going to save enough, believe me. Thank God for my mom's lessons engrave in my head; "You have to save", and "Set aside a few penny from your salary" its like a song on repeat every time I use my card and so I did save a few penny.

Then there are relationships I approach defending on the situation. With friends, I have the best one's, the occasional or the so called social friends, the colleagues kind of friends etc. The best one's are those I've known for a very long time, we don't meet nor talk as much as we do but whenever we have time, its as if the years we've been apart are nothing.

The occasional or the so called social friends are those you meet online those who share the same passion/hobby as you, those you meet on events and seminars, those introduced by friends and so you became sort of friends, those you follow on social media and sort of become friends because you know what they eat that day or where they are spending their holiday etc.

Your colleagues are also friends, some are "friends", "teammate thus become a friend" and most office friends you just act civil but still considers friend. I don't know.

On the other hand boyfriends! Well, I did have some when I was younger and not yet busy, come to think of it, I haven't have one, neither entertained one in the last three years since my breakup. I meet a couple of guys from time to time since my breakup but the more numbers are added to my age, the more I seem to hesitate to enter another relationship.

When I was in high school I thought he was the one and that we would last until I get old and wrinkly. We didn't even last mid term exams.

I entered another relationship around second year of college, we were serious but we just suddenly come to terms that we are better off as good friends, and honestly, he became a really good friend.

And then there was my third and last boyfriend, I meet him at a bookstore I frequent. That was during my last semester in college. After my OJT shift I would drop by to a bookstore near my school to wait for my last subject. I was browsing some new titles on the romance section and felt like someone is looking at me, and there he was all smiles and clad in a long sleeve polo, slacks, black leather and glasses. He was already working at that time and I was mesmerize. I can still remember the warmth spreading throughout my face and thought that will be the last time I will have a glance of that hunk, turns out we will eventually meet a couple more time on that side of the bookstore.

Our relationship last for five years but things got messy. We want to think it was both our fault.

So what did I learned? I realized that first boyfriends doesn't mean to be your last and most of the time at this age you are too childish to even keep the friendship. If you cant keep the relationship going, have a moment to talk about it and see if you can remain friends, it will take time before you can face each other as friends but its worth the try. Relationships, no matter how long you've been together will sometimes face a challenge, you have to face this battle alone and then together and accept that there are wars that you really cant win.

Family. This relationship becomes hard when it starts to grow. Siblings for example, when we are young, we get annoyed on simple things like not sharing toys or candies. Borrowing clothes, bags and shoes without telling the other person - younger sister, anyone-. Not helping the young one's with the subjects your good at but they aren't. That kind of stuff.

But as we get older, although we don't fight much and still bicker over simple things like kids, adult problems are unavoidable. One example and honestly the only thing Im currently annoyed and happy is having a sibling-in-law.

Someone you don't grow up with and only meet for a very numbered occasions for the past few years can be messy and confusing. At some point we are in good terms, I mean really really really good terms and then suddenly that person wont talk to you. One time you are on social media and coincidentally saw that persons latest post and it seems like its about you and the members of your family. What the fuck right?

Anyway, that's life and I am not someone who likes confrontations especially to someone who posts their personal problems on social media.

When I turned 28 I have a mixed-up feeling of rainbows and butterflies, of gray skies and spiders and a lot of things.

Let me tell you my 2016 story; I was employed at the start of the year, remember my story of being jobless at 27? Well, I got a job offer sometime around December.

I was so happy, imagine being holed up in your room on your own for almost a year, working for eight to twelve hours depending on the number of clients or projects I take, that's freelancing for you. Im not regretting that, I meet a few new faces thru Skype, learned new things about the industry I belong thru constant online meetings and seminars held by the company Im working.

Anyway, so I was employed, started working on the first working day of January, meet new colleagues and become a part of a quirky but cool team. Months pass and honestly, I don't think its going to work. I love the community, I love my teammates but my tasks are going in circles, the client I was working with wants us to do tasks that are no longer working, we would suggest new things but then again, go back to where we started. But since I love the working community I continued with the hope that things will get better. It did not.

And now here I am again, back to being a freelancer. The good thing is, I learned something, God probably wants something else from me.

Let me share you the Letter I found on a Facebook Page that completely sums up what I feel at 28.

You’ve spent so many years looking forward to this phase of your life. And it always looked so cool. So glamorous. So filled with love and laughter.

Yet here you are. With knowledge that it’s anything but.

It’s messy buns and messier lives. It’s baggy shirts and overflowing laundry bags. It’s a lot of work and never enough money. It’s freedom with responsibilities. And life is no longer what it seemed.

Different people are doing different things.

Your best friend’s getting married. Your old classmate is killing it with success. Your ex is happy in love. Your old mate is drowning in drugs. Different people are doing different things. But not you. You’re just existing. You’re getting through everyday a little better than the last. But then you have days where you can’t get up at all.

You spend your Friday evenings holed up in a corner because you’re too responsible to drink your night away. Too control freakish to lose yourself to someone else’s tunes. But somehow, this isn’t enough. This life you’re living doesn’t feel complete. Loneliness wraps around you like a blanket you love and you wonder where you went wrong. Why you became different to everyone else.

“Did I do too much too soon? Did I not do enough? Was there a reason why it was never me? Is this going to be the rest of my life? Alone? Unsuccessful? Filled with dreams that never come true?”

And your hands reach out to your phone. One text. One call. To that someone who might make you feel pretty. Who might make you feel important. And your need takes over.

The need to feel accepted. To feel appreciated. To feel adored. To feel loved.

And it is so strong, you forget your sanity for a few minutes of flattery. You lessen your worth for dishonest words. The hurt in your heart, camouflaged. If only for a few seconds.

But it’s never enough. And when you wake up, it’s worse. The hammering of your heart so loud in your ears. A memory of last night frustratingly haunting. Yet another mistake. Yet again.

You scream hateful words to yourself. When will I ever learn? You go over those messages. Those conversations. How you fell right back into a ditch when you knew better. Just for a moment, you wish you weren’t yourself.

And in that moment, read these words:

Breathe. It’s not so bad. You think I don’t understand. But I do. Because I’m there, too. I’ve made that call. I’ve texted that wrong person. I’ve woken up with regrets. I still do. I’ve felt the need to be held. I’ve felt that silent green monster towards a friend in love.

Yes, we all make those mistakes. And we all think nobody else does. But they do.

So please, don’t hate yourself. And don’t stop. Don’t stop loving with all you have. Don’t stop wishing on every shooting star. Don’t stop dreaming of fairy tales and being as amazing as Malala Yousafzai. You might not always get there, but don’t stop.

You have so much left to do. You have a world filled with life waiting to happen. You have books to be read. Steps to be taken. Places to see. People to meet. You haven’t lived half your life yet. There’s so much ahead. And in ten years, when you look back, you’ll wish you were here again.

So don’t waste it wallowing in your own sadness. Don’t lose yourself to your self-pity and non-existent boundaries. Use everyday. And I don’t mean spend thousands of dollars and visit the North Pole. I know how you’re struggling to make ends meet.

Do the simple things. Stop procrastinating. Take a walk with nature. Go to the gym. Read your favorite book for the millionth time. Watch a movie. Write your novel. Sketch until you’re better than the best. Eat like you’re dying tomorrow. And most importantly, make mistakes. Your heart will heal. But today will never be back again. Don’t live with “Could-have-been’s.” Take chances.

And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS remember – It’s okay to be alone.

There is time to let your life revolve around someone else. But today, let it revolve around you.

Not because you can’t find someone. Not because you can’t be loved.

But because you deserve to wake up with a smile. You deserve to live life. To make memories so wild, you’ll be the coolest grandparent they’ve ever known.

Breathe. There's still a lot of time.

You’re going to be alright.

- Poornima Baskar

As they say "Im perfectly imperfect". Hoping for a great future ahead of me.

- Jae Rustia

In my 27, almost 28 years of experience in life, from time to time I would still question what I learned, or if I ever did learn something (to think I have a BS - does not stand for bullshit - degree in Information Technology).

I would usually stumble upon topics about the things they learned from their mother's and I was like, yeah, I learned a few useful things in life from my mom. Now having some free time at work, I decided to finally put it in print. Hope you like it, this is going to be a crazy ride.

The first thing I probably learned - more like remember - is about good hygiene.

When I was young, maybe around five, six years old, I really hate brushing my teeth right after a meal. It feels disgusting, the feeling of wanting to throw-up is so strong I would usually choke. But then, I have no choice, its either I brush my teeth or experience some serious spanking.

My brushing routine starts right after I finished my meal, my mom would tell me to "brush your teeth, you're going to be late for school", in her normal tone, and I will ignore her. When she realized that I'm not moving, she would start yelling at me "brush your teeth, you're going to be late for school". Same line, different tone, no choice man, she's mad, gotta brush my teeth or I'll be spanked.

The next thing I know, it becomes a habit to brush my teeth after every meal. Now at almost 28, I only got 4 minor dental filling procedure. Thanks Ma!

Hmm, what else, aside from taking a bath every day, in my case twice daily, changing undies, yes, change your undies twice daily.

The patience during your girl time.

One thing about being a girl is your monthly PERIOD. It is that hellish days/week where all you want to do is eat, sleep, cry and strangle someone all at the same time. Talk about mood swings.

When girls have that "time of the month" thing, we are so moody we just want to kill anyone who would trigger that killing mode. For me, the first few months of experiencing it is so explainable. I have cramps, i bruised easily, I want to eat and eat and eat, and I have that really bitchy mode (the first time I had my period is probably one of the most sweetest moments that ever happened, here's the story about it.)

My mom is very patient in explaining things to me. The proper use of sanitary pads (yes, i am using pads, I am not really comfortable with tampons). How to do this and that. What to do, what not to do, why do it and why avoid it.

So far, having my monthly menstrual cycle is still as painful, as mood wrecking as the first time, but I think its more manageable in a sense that you know what to expect.

How to Act as a Lady:

Picking Your Clothes for Every Occasion + Hair and Make-up + Bags and Shoes, in short, the girly stuff.

I was the T-Shirt and Jeans kind of girl, I still do, but when I was around sophomore High school, the school already allowed us to wear casual clothes and it would be disgusting to still wear your uniform, the girls in my grade wore dresses and stilettos while I remain the nerdy girl until JS Prom. No one asked me except for the dorks (sorry dude, I may look like a dork but spare me, no offense dorky guys, I have my own nerdy style).

If you're wondering if I transform into a lovely swan, NO, I did attend the JS but I'm with my friends, I wore a black cocktail dress, a stiletto which I swear never to wear one again - at least during that time - , I look good, but maybe not good enough for the "in kids" to ask me for a dance, so I dance with my friends.

This event made me slightly style conscious, you know the saying “You cannot climb the ladder of success dressed in the costume of failure”, slowly I started to change my style, I wore the dresses my mom bought for me years ago, which surprisingly still fits me. I learned how to mix and match then she would lend me her gloss, she'd fix my hair, that kind of stuff.

When I enter college I already knew how to dress, how to apply everyday light make-up, the before sleeping routine etc. I started collecting bags and cute - well sexy - underwear. And if your thinking I became the campus babe, no, I'm still the same old me, only better.

At present I have a huge collection of lipsticks, bags and shoes - some items, courtesy of my mom, Love you Ma!.

P.S.

Don't think about about what the society thinks about you, it's hard, I know, I still do it sometimes, but the more you acknowledge this societal issues or what the people around think about you the more it affects you, just be yourself, wear whatever makes you feel comfortable, but this doesn't mean your not going to follow certain dress codes okay.

She introduced me to a different universe

She loves collecting books of different genre's, she loves watching documentaries, she loves talking about current events, world issues, etc. I am so updated with everything, my imagination opened really wide, I can understand a lot of things at an early age.

I'm not saying I'm the intelligent kid, maybe the kid who reads a lot, who can give her inputs on current issue's, who can answer some uncommon questions, who asks questions about uncommon topics, who knows what's happening in the world and through little things, contributed something to at least help.

Cooking and other household chores

In our household, my dad and both my brothers knows how to cook simple dishes - like anything fried or boiled and toasted bread, he he he -, you can also ask them to clean the house or do the laundry (sometimes), basically you can depend on them in terms of cooking and cleaning the house once in a while.

It's different for me though, as a girl and the oldest, I have to learn how to cook or when my parents leave for some events, me and my siblings would starve to death or get obese with too much fast food intake and the house will look like a dumpsite.

I was also fond of watching my mom when she is working in the kitchen, - my mom is really my super hero -. I would usually help her with small stuff, like mixing the batter for pancakes, and the next thing I know, I can already bake some cookies with her help, I can cook simple dishes – not as good as chef's, but edible enough.

Managing my Finances

When I was in high school, my mom told me she had opened a bank account for me and my other siblings right after we were born, she would religiously put small amounts monthly and although the money was later used to buy a lot and build our home, it was engraved in my system, that no matter how huge your income is, you have to save-up.

Another amazing thing about my parents is that when they had me, my dad is still taking review classes for the civil engineering license exam, he was working, preparing for the license exam, being a father and a husband all at the same time. My mom told me that during those times, my dad receives very little salary, barely enough for a family of three and yet she can still save up little by little.

I remember that when I was in elementary, my mom would always tell me to set aside a dollar and save it. Then after getting my first job, she never failed to remind me to save up. So far I have a little savings.

Thinking about it now, I did learn quite a lot.

I'll update this post whenever I remembered or learned something new from her.

Often times, the media bombards us with images of perfect bodies of actresses, models and even the social media wasn't a big help to the body positive community by using hashtags that goes like #PerfectBeachBody showing bikini clad ladies that looks like Victoria's Angels.

Another thing that somehow bother me are the #PostBabyBody being posted that has nothing to do with having a baby and being fit and healthy after giving birth, or any other issues that surrounds or experienced by new moms, the netizen's are even posting their own take - both good and bad - on this body issues.

What's worst is that this is not just women related issues, even men experience body shaming.

This images and comments hurts not only the body positive community, but what's more bothering is that the younger generation is thinking that those images indeed are the ideal one's when the fact is, it's not actually about having that perfect body but more of being fit and healthy, be it if your on the heavier side, average side, normal side, well let's not categorize this, it's just you no matter what size you are in.

Recently, the news about athletes and models body shaming fellow athletes and models scatter throughout the social media and I was like, why do you have to do that? Do you know what she's been through, or what she's currently experiencing about her body? She's having a war within herself, and there you are with that thick-skin you are in, body shaming her on social media where everything is open to everyone?

If those influential people who we look up to does that kind of thing to another famous person, how would you react? Well apparently, netizen's are posting their own body shaming comments, and very few would say a good thing. That's how sad the society we currently live in is.

Is being above average really that bad, and what is average, do we really need a label? You know, being thin doesn't mean your healthy, and being fat doesn't mean your unhealthy and if being fit and healthy means extreme dieting methods, spending 23 hours in a gym and protruding rib cages, no thank you, I'd rather be Fat Amy, if you know what I mean.

Do you still remember your new year's resolution to enter a fitness club, maybe lose a few pounds in a few months just for the heck of having that #PerfectBeachBody for the summer? How many of those who pledge on doing this can you still in the gym? Maybe half, worst case scenario 90% of those who signed up no longer show's up, the reason is simple, the motivation is too shallow.

How many kids are suffering anorexia without them fully understanding what's going on? The pressure the society give's when it comes to that image of #PerfectBody is too much of a burden to those kids. It's like if you are not skinny then you don't fit anywhere, you don't belong, you're being the laughing stock, being bullied by the skinny kids, their self-esteem gets affected, they would no longer want to attend school, they'll be unsocial, and the worst case, the suicide option.

Allow me to remind you again that the perfect body is not based on a fashion model's body, or how big your boobs is, or how plump your butt is. The perfect body is the the kind of body that can handle the societies pressure, a body who doesn't give a fuck to whatever you say.

So please stop body shaming, fat or thin, we all have a war within ourselves. Embrace what God gave you.